Before I formed you in the womb I knew you.
–Jeremiah 1:5
Pregnancy begins psychologically, long before it does physically. From an early age, children have imaginative play about having babies and being parents. Teenagers fantasize of love, marriage, and family. Young couples talk, plan, and dream about birth and how many children they will have.
If you are trying to conceive, it can seem like you already know this child well – the wished-for baby in many become pregnant, bonding increases. This is facilitated by information learned from new medical technology, which just not so long ago would not have been know until after birth. Today, blood tests can let a woman know she is pregnant before she misses her period. Sonograms provide a window into the uterus and a picture of your baby before any physical changes have occurred to make others aware of your pregnancy. Genetic blood testing can let you know the sex of your baby and genetic make-up before you are even wearing maternity clothes. Because of these factors, the fetus is seen as a baby/person much earlier and bonding occurs much sooner than in years past.
The magnitude of miscarriage – to lose a baby within the first few months of conception – can be great. For you to experience the elation of learning you are pregnant, only to feel the despair of discovering you have miscarried, is a multifaceted loss. It is the loss of a baby, a part of yourself, your health, control, innocence, potential, relationships with others, possibly your reproductive capacity, and on and on.
The same kinds of feelings can be experienced after an unsuccessful IVF cycle. You may view each fertilized egg, whether transferred or not, as a baby. When a cycle fails to achieve a confirmed pregnancy it can feel like a miscarriage.
In our society, we measure grief by the size of the coffin.
– – Sherokee Ilse, Empty Arms
It is often difficult for people to understand what a profound loss a miscarriage can be for a couple. And yet the grief can be like a tidal wave that sweeps over you when you lose your baby, no matter how far along you were. Feelings such as disbelief, anger, rage, blame, guilt, sadness, and depression may engulf you, growing and cresting with time. The feelings can recur and are highly individual, based upon your own personality and life experiences. Grieving is a uniquely personal experience.
The size and depth of the tidal wave will depend on a number of factors, primarily concerning your psychological investment in this pregnancy. For example, often the longer one has been trying to conceive, the greater the sense of loss that results from miscarrying. The wave of grief seems to crest somewhere between three to nine months after your loss.
When the crest has passed and the water seems to have calmed, there can still be swells. These are rekindled feelings and are often triggered by reminders of your baby – your due date, holidays, or times of the year. Each person has his or her own triggers which are related to real memories and what you wished or imagined about your baby.
A person is a person no matter how small …
– – Dr. Seuss, Horton Hatches the Egg
Grieving is the way to heal emotionally from the loss of your baby. Here are some positive steps that can help you in the healing process:
A Pray for Baby
Never to have known you, but to have loved you.
Never to have held you, the way mothers do.
With you I bury my hopes and dreams
For an unknown child I’d never seen.
But also I bury the love in my heart
And the sadness of knowing that we must part.
And I pray to God to do for you
All the things that I would like to do.
And to keep my baby safe from harm
To laugh and frolic in springtime’s arms.
Suggested Reading
The Miscarriage Map: What to expect when you are no
longer expecting. Sunita Osborn, 2019.
Support Resources
Resolve
Miscarriage, Infant Death and Stillbirth (DMV
area)
SHARE
MISS Foundation
Return to Zero
Used with permission of:
Sharon N. Covington, LCSW-C
August 2022
